change

First of all, today is a better day. In reality, the day after my last post was a good day and things have been a-okay since. There just are going to be hard days and life is a different ball of wax now so time to get used to things, right?

Oh the change. And then the changing back. I swear I feel like this week has been one big walk around a circle. It looks like I am going to try to keep the house after all. Why I even bother thinking about this issue is on the one hand obvious (hey, having a roof over our heads is pretty darn paramount!) but on the other hand it all just makes my head hurt. The bottom line that keeps coming up is that it makes more sense for one person (G, my stbxh) to move than it does for the other five of us to move. In addition, staying here keeps some sort of normalcy to the kids' lives at a time when they don't have a ton of that. I know those things make sense, but I'm still not jumping for joy. Keeping the house means I will need to rent out the top floor which is just something else to manage that I don't feel like managing. It also means giving up some privacy and I *really* don't feel like doing that. But when I chose this divorce I knew no part of our lives would go untouched and I am trying to be more understanding of that and go with the flow about it a bit more. Wish me luck!

On the "friends who aren't really friends front," I made progress. I did something so out of my comfort zone, but wow, going out of your comfort zone can be amazing! I was direct and honest and set boundaries. Out loud even to actual people, not just in the fantasy world that revolves in my head. I was feeling so bullied and I found myself sitting in my therapist's office for the second week in a row talking about this crap and being so pissed because I have big, real life issues that I should be using that co-pay on and yet it was all with the "friends" crap again. My lovely therapist - I've mentioned how much I love her, right? - well, she asked why I didn't just say something when people were hurting my feelings. She even suggested it could be as simple as saying, "Wow, that really hurts my feelings."

And I was all like, "Huh?" and she was all like, "I'm serious," and I was all like, "You think?" And so I made a couple of phone calls and cleared some air. Granted, before I made the phone calls I agonized about it for a couple of days. I imagined the entire world splitting in two and life as we know it ending as a result of what I was about to do. And sure, I had to write myself a little note with talking points so I wouldn't forget what I was actually calling about and simply burst into tears when the phone was answered, but I made the calls. The pure shock on the other end of the line was incredible. There was just this empty line of disbelief that I - she who loves to be walked on - would dare to dial the phone and then to go on to speak words of self-preservation. It was short, simple and sweet. I wasn't rude. I wasn't spiteful. I merely defended myself and established boundaries. Sheesh, I'm thirty seven years old and I feel like I finally just did something my second grader does better than I do. Better late than never. The world did not implode, by the way, but you probably realize that. And contrary to my fear, I did not feel laden with horrific guilt afterwards, but instead my heart was lighter and I felt at peace. Whew!

On the dating front, the Republican is out of the game. For public consumption: if you want to freak me out and send me screaming from the online dating site, send me flowers twice in one week, send me 212 emails and tell me you're falling in love with me over and over and over again. Cripes, even a liberal couldn't get away with that and keep me around. I don't know who I was kidding anyway, I am not a person who can date more than one other person at a time. Coffee guy and I are finding our way of doing things little by little. Heck, I don't even know if you can call what we are doing dating. But friends are nice to have and life works on its own timetable.

dark side of the moon

It's a downer today folks so you might want to move right along to someone else's happy blog.

I'm single and I'm sad. There I said it. This isn't the way I usually feel and if I force myself to remember, I know I was sad most of the days I was married. But the truth is single people get sad, too. And in the last week everywhere I turn there is some quite negative statistic regarding single women I swear I never noticed before. We get sick more often, we die sooner, we're more likely to be depressed, we never manage to repartner up at the advanced age that I am. Sheesh, give us a break people!

Perhaps sad isn't the right label since it's more lonely that I feel. It's funny, but as many low points as my marriage had, at least I was sharing them with someone. When we were in a sucky place, we were in it together. And now I'm just in it with me. Except that's not true, I'm in it with four little human beings I have to be "up" for. I am their companion that makes life a happy bubble and provides all the comfort and good feelings. Today I am scared as heck that I won't be able to do that. And today I'm scared because I know their dad (bless his trying heart) is nowhere near being able to do that for them yet since he's a ways behind me on the grieving scale over the divorce. Huh, I guess I've established not only that I am sad, but also lonely and scared. That's not so bad. It could be worse. It really could.

I have a beautiful life. I am blessed. I have a beautiful life. I am blessed...

feels like home

This weekend has been beautiful. The weather has been a bit on the crisp side but the sun is bright and the air is fresh. This was the first weekend since sometime in August we did not have a scheduled activity outside of the house, not counting church. The freedom to relax has been so nice for all of us.

Our days have been full of curling up on sofas with good books, taking naps, building lego and Polly Pocket towns, orchestrating concerts and adapting plays. Just plain playing that every kid needs and my kids don't get often enough. We even have our first fire going and it's just so peaceful. :)

All divorce papers are officially filed, we've begun adhering to the custody agreement and I'm looking for a place to live. I was originally going to stay in the house, but I've decided not to for more than one reason. First, if I stay here, I don't believe G will ever actually move out of the upstairs. I'm all about compromise, but it's been over a year now and I need some space. In addition, this is not the house I want to grow old in or even raise my children in. It's big and rambly and just not me. I need a little cottage with nooks and crannies and if I'm lucky a sweet little porch. I'm not counting on getting that the first time out, but just taking a step toward being somewhere else gets me closer to that reality. G has decided he will keep the house so the kids will at least have the home base they are used to for part of the time.

There's been little bump in my road of perpetual happiness. It seems not all "friends" are "friends" at all and even some of the ones that are, sure know how to resent you when you would expect them to support you. Something I didn't read about in all of my divorce preparation books was advice on what to do when your friends totally diss you. What do you do when rumors abound and you find out one of your supposed closest friends started them? What do you do when suddenly your friends tell you flat out not to be around their husbands? What do you do when your devotion to mothering is questioned because you allowed the children to visit their father per a parenting plan you co-wrote and support? I'm not sure what to do, but I'm working on establishing boundaries and murmuring weak words of, "Um, that hurt my feelings," when I can muster the courage. You know, we women suck at being friends sometimes.

And oh yes dating. Well, add the fact that I'm even entering the dating scene and that's more ammunition for the above paragraph, but whatevah! I've decided two guys is all the more I can keep track of at one time and so that's where I am. Coffee guy is still around and we do a great job of keeping one another guessing, yet we just smile when we're together. The new guy, the Republican, is someone I (ssshhhh) met online through an actual dating service. I feel like I need a shower just saying that out loud. The two of them could not be more different and I can't imagine dating more than one person for very long. But I'm giving it a bit of time and we'll see what happens.

tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow...

Patience is a virtue and good things do come from it. Tomorrow my divorce papers are being filed. And within two to six weeks, it will all be final. F.I.N.A.L. For absolutely freaking real! It's not that I'm thrilled to have a failed marriage behind me. As long as I have these four beautiful children and seventeen years of wisdom to show for it, I refuse to consider it a failure.

But I am so very much looking forward to being free as an individual to embrace this new phase of my life. I'm getting control of my life back, heck I'm getting my name that I loved back. I am woman hear me roar and all that sh*t. I am taking a moment to be free of the guilt and just feel the joy of something I have worked steadfastly toward for three years now.

Life is good.

good is good

I know I've been scarce. I'm sure you all noticed. Admit you noticed people, gosh!

So the update. My children are still amazing and wonderful and you couldn't pry them from my warm loving arms. They are all adjusting to this crazy life and they deserve so much credit for their maturity, their flexibility, their ability to do well in their every day life while functioning amongst commotion and the love they share for one another (though they hide it well at times.) I will never regret the marriage to their father because they are blessings so great I am humbled each and every day.

And their father, oh where to begin? After a bumpy, painful week, we have made such progress in the formation of our new relationship. I do love him and he is well on his way to becoming the man I always knew he could be. I am proud to watch him parent now. I am proud to watch him taking responsibility in his life. And though I need to preface this next part with the very true statement imo that it is NEVER one person who fails to keep two halves of a marriage together, and I accept full responsibility for my personal failings in that marriage, something miraculous happened over the past week. G apologized to me. It wasn't a blanket, "I'm sorry," that was meant to be a cya for the past seventeen years. He took the time to go into detail about very particular and painful things and he apologized separately for each and every one. And I was moved, so moved I cannot explain it. He got it. And it's not going to change the course of marriage, but it changes the frame of it as we move forward. This will shape our friendship and our role as parents for our children. I still tear up thinking about it. He said he was sorry, he knows what he is saying sorry for, and I am touched and forever grateful. Oh and did I mention the papers he had yet to provide so that we could very cordially and jointly file this divorce have now been provided and we are going to be officially filed by October 30th? Then, according to the fine courts of our great state, a full year later, we should be offically d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d in two to six weeks. I don't mean to sound so giddy, it's just such a huge relief after all this time.

Um, what else. Oh yeah, dating. Let's see. I tried match dot not for me for about twenty three official hours. I don't think I can do things that way, at least not now. I did get enough responses to boost my ego, so I suppose it served some purpose. I also went on a couple of dates with coffee guy. We spent several, literally, hours on the phone, several hours of conversation in person, several hours hiking up the side of the mountain that he just bought 19 acres and a cabin on, several hours looking at the sky and the mountains and drinking wine and eating the picnic he brought. Life has it's very nice side. I took the first leap and it was good.

To be continued...

we are family

I am oh so ever happy to report that EHTB and I are making this family thing work. Granted we haven't made it through any holidays or high school graduations or planning of their weddings, but I've just got this feeling in my gut we are headed for continued good family times. You know, sometimes we might not pick the right people to spend the rest of our lives with, but that doesn't mean we didn't pick the right person to have children with.

This weekend we all spent the majority of our time together. There was the elementary school fall fair, our town's little fall celebration and today our annual family apple and pumpkin picking day. Of course the kids were thrilled but the two of us were also happy as well. We do genuinely like and love one another and the new boundaries we have established as a result of the separation and impending divorce have allowed us to begin creating a new co-parenting relationship that is so positive. Yeah, yeah, I know there are gonna be bumps. But I will go to sleep tonight thanking the heavens above my children still have their amazing family.

the real slim shady

I am happy to report the bulk of my divorce guilt has evaporated with the news that EXTB has been dating someone since at least August. (He told me today since I had told him about the coffee guy and he felt less than honest for keeping it from me.)

I'm happy for him, which I see as affirming this split is the right decision. And I'm happy for me because I feel like I've just been set free in a way I just didn't feel before. Awwww...

Really, eventually every single post will NOT be about this d thing.