the cat's in the cradle

I've discovered an ugly truth about myself. I don't always want to be around people and I'm not always nice. To some it might not seem so ugly, just an okay thing to know about oneself. But to me, it's hard to swallow. You see, I imagine myself to be a whole lot nicer than I probably - okay, really - am.

Like just this week I'm riding along in my automobile with my littles. I live in a very small town and yet there are times when something sort of like a traffic issue comes up. For example, more than one car might come up to a three way stop at the exact same time and none of us can recall exactly what the driving test manual we all studied forty years ago says to do in a situation such as this. I personally have always held to the notion that if there is a tie, the one on the right of me goes first. But if there are more than two of us and someone else holds the same notion, I guess that could get confusing. In reality, my strategy for *any* traffic situation is to *always* default to those around me. I am the one letting people go ahead of me. I am the one stopping dead in a nice moving line of traffic to let some sucker who's been waiting three whole minutes to pop in front of me and join the rest of us. And you better believe I will never speed through a crosswalk and leave pedestrians stranded at the edge of those white lines! (Believe it or not though, I have received unkind hand gestures from those behind me for this behavior. ::::sigh::: Civility is a lost art.)

Apparently our actions as parents do get noticed by our children. As I was letting someone ahead of me the other day, all bright and cheerful like because that's how I do it, mouthing the words, "No, no go right ahead," in their direction with a huge smile, my seven year old commented on my actions.

"You are such a nice person, Mama," she said, " You are very polite and always let others go ahead of you. I'm nice like you too, Mama." Then she sat back with a very big *my mom is so polite!* content smile on her face. She noticed and she was proud. I thought this was some break through moment. Look, I had gotten that thing we parents hardly ever get - validation that our children see our fine actions, appreciate our fine actions, and lo and behold aspire to copy them. I tell you, that day, driving down our little street I was elated. I mean heck, if you add that to the comment I once received from my little convenience store clerk that the room just lights up whenever I walk in, I'm just about the best person in the world to be around. And that day driving with my daughter, letting people go ahead of me left and right, I was pretty much the nicest person on the planet and a darn good mother to boot. Life was good. I'm telling you, it was good.

Then came this morning. I wasn't in the general generic public being nice to people I don't even know. I was waking up between two of my own beautiful children. The argument starts like this: Seven year old little who is notorious for having trouble getting up on time but has made real progress says, "Hey mom, I was the first one up!" She's proud to have woken up before noon on her own and has every right to be.

And yet I hear this from the other side of me from the four year old little to whom rising early comes naturally and who has actually been nursing for at least an hour, "No, you were not the first one up, I was." She then returns to nursing but for the next five minutes she pops off every two seconds to mumble, "No, I WAS!" while she and the seven year old argue across my body about this really stupid deal. I crawl out of bed not liking my own people very much and wondering how much time I will actually have to spend with them today. As I'm leaving my own bed, they are yelling louder.

I venture out into the living area and hear screaming from the garage. The voice of ex-husband- to- be is the loudest, but there is obviously someone else involved and that can only mean one of the other littles. I'm already not feeling like being nice to anyone today. I go into the freaking freezing garage and witness a scene that is being made over recylcing and sorting and goodness knows what else. Ten year old female little is crying but defiant and not speaking at all anymore. EHTB is doing a fair amount of hand gesturing and looking angry and defeated at the same time. Ten year old little comes into the house with me but then proceeds straight to her closet and won't come out. Forty five year old EHTB cannot give me a clear explanation.

Strangely, suspiciously strangely, the eleven year old male little is willingly helping with the recycling and garbage. I make a mental note to come back to that later, he's up to something.

Nothing much changes for the rest of the morning. The two tasks of getting my entire garage cleaned of the recycling and garbage that has been building up for the past two months so I can park my gigantic car in there before it snows - because it's NH people and it could snow any minute now! - and getting all four littles to a soccer event seems to drain every ounce of nice out of me. I begin to think I'm not really that nice.

Finally, as I am counting the seconds until the four littles (whom I've had 24/7 for the past week and who have been just this pleasant the whole time while I was being Miss Nice of the Universe despite their behavior) the EHTB announces to the ten year old he wants her to make him coffee. Um, I've already made my coffee and there it sits. It contains no caffeine and is in fact flavored, his coffee has neither quality. And he darn well knows my coffee is in the coffee maker because coffee doesn't exactly make itself without smelling up the whole place. He gets all passive-aggressive-poor me, "I guess I don't need coffee," and walks away.

I get all passive-aggressive-oh by gosh you're having coffee because I'm not listening to how I kept you from having coffee this morning and I pour my coffee into a carafe and teach the ten year old how to make his coffee. Not to be outdone by me, he then makes a comment about how I only made him one cup of coffee - in fact it was four cups and that amount fills two of his travel mugs. Okay, well, then he wants to know if I take cream in my coffee. Um, duh, how many times have you ordered it for me over the years, YES I take cream in my coffee. "Oh," he says, "because I just used the last of it and threw the carton away. What do you want me to do now?"

Huh, I'm confused, what the heck can you do now? I don't care, I'll use milk for goodness sake, why is everyone so pissy this morning? And why are you all still here? Leave, I tell you, the lot of you need to leave! He then asks the ten year old if she is going to his lacrosse game he's playing in later this afternoon. She says no way, it's too cold. So, EXTB announces he will be just taking eleven year old male little to his game because he's not taking the younger two also known as "those who like to argue and occasionally punch and kick" with him. This announcement of his is met with one from me along these lines, "Um, well, you most certainly would be taking them with you if this was officially 'your weekend' with them or you would be getting a sitter. That's how things are going to work when we actually begin using this custody aggreement of ours, you know. I will not be available 24/7 like I have traditionally been if you don't feel like dealing with them." I made him very happy with this nice, polite announcement of mine. See, I'm all nice like that.

From here we see two things. One, I may be nice as pie to perfect strangers I don't know, go me! But two, I can be not so nice at all to those I know best, boo me.

I suppose the morale of the story is to make sure you never get to know me well.

Gosh, I hope the seven year old was not watching this morning...

EDIT: The problem the ten year old was having in the garage with the recycling and her father? The bins are lined up against the back wall so to make her chore of recycling sorting rather easy. When EHTB brings them back from the recycling center he leaves them all packed together and she can't get them apart so she didn't have the recycling properly sorted. The two of them could not communicate that from one to the other. She is out of her closet now.

The suspicious behavior of the eleven year old? He wanted to go hang out with his friend this afternoon and that is what he did instead of going to his dad's lacrosse game. In fact, all the kids stayed here. With me, their very nice mother who loves the crap out of them. :)

And the two littles? Along with punching and kicking, one of them can now add hitting her sister over the head with a ski pole and drawing blood to their resume.