done, i'm done

You know what I am tired of? Really, truly, endlessly tired of? Other than ending two sentences with prepositions and then following that up with a compound fragment? I am so very tired of this separation and divorce process defining my every living moment. I'm honestly consumed by the whole of it. Everything I do every day is under the umbrella of "the divorce." Every thought I have is filtered through "the divorce." Admittedly, this is a huge life transition, one made even larger because of the four children involved in the process, but for goodness sake, I'm done. I want to breathe and not have it be air full of guilt. I want to wake up and not think, "Oh gosh, what do I have to do to deal with the divorce today?" I want to be able to just plain go to sleep at night and have normal happy thoughts instead of tortured images of how my particular divorce is going to bring down civilization.

I am the first to admit I don't know what the heck I'm doing or what the heck I want out of life most days. But this process of wallowing in the what ifs is not getting me any closer to answering the big questions for myself. For better or worse - what an appropriate way to say it - this divorce needs to be put behind me so I can try to start finding out who I am.

I am just as guilty of not getting those papers filed as he is. If there is information I need from him, then there are ways of getting it if asking politely isn't working. And let's be honest here, if this is still dragging on, there is some part of me that is encouraging or enabling that. So. New deadline for myself. Get whatever needs to be filled out, filled out. Answer whatever questions need to be answered or find someone who can. File whatever needs to be filed. Attend whatever classes that need to be attended. Get through this already so we can all begin to live our life out from under this cloud.

The good news is the one area I've been very proactive with has been helping the kids to adjust. We've talked endlessly and they know I'm available to them. I've bought every book out there for every age group on dealing with divorce. We've read them together and I've left them casually thrown around so they can read them on their own. I have one little in individual therapy and am scheduling some group sessions for the rest of us to attend as a family. Huh, as is the custom with everything in life, I manage to prioritize the mothering part above all else. I suppose I need to imagine the paperwork as my children and I would have it taken care of immediately.

So here's to a real live deadline, or can I call it a real live lifeline. Paperwork people, it just needs to get done. Halloween sounds like a good as time as any to me.