Yeah, yeah, I realize it's Friday, but after my last two days I'm definitely feeling a Sunday vibe. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not - wait, I think I did - but I went out to my car Wednesday night and it wouldn't start. Then I just sort of said, "Screw it," to myself and went back in the house for a couple of days. From there, my Thanksgiving holiday got very exciting!
My original plan for the last couple of days was to clean, clean and clean some more. Organize the heck out of the house and only then indulge myself in reading and knitting and good American tv watching. Here is what I actually did. I sat on my sofa for two days. Literally. I'm not kidding folks, I even slept here. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the indentation of my lovely touche out of the cushion. My sustenance of choice was popcorn and milk - don't ask, I have no answer - and I reached my goal of watching every tivo'd show I've missed for the past month.
Then I called my kids and told them they could stay in CT for an extra day which meant they could go to their cousin's laser tag party. Apparently I'm now mother of the year and yet with them being two states away, I can't receive my thank-you hugs in person.
I thought going to the movies would be a good diversion today, but then there is the darn car thing. I hadn't called AAA before now because I didn't want to interrupt any one's holiday, but now I need to leave my house. I really need to leave my house, people! I called a couple of hours ago, but it's a small town, only one tow truck, blah, blah. And when they do get my car to the garage, it's going to be closed for the entire weekend so I have no hope of driving until Sunday when ex's car is here while he finishes up his weekend with the kids. I think I'm calling the rental car place. Well, assuming the ONE rental car place we have in town is even open and they even have a car.
The thing I most need to do is shower, but I can't do that because I'm waiting on the mysterious AAA arrival. I think I'm going to throw caution to the wind and shower anyway because I'm such a renegade. God, I miss my kids. There is only so much silence and forced alone time one can take.
The guy I broke up with is apparently heartbroken and thinks I'm crazy for leaving him. I'm not so sure now. You just can't be with someone because they are good on paper and heavy on the paper money. I do feel like there is something terribly wrong with my dating genes though because my first two times out were not great positive experiences. Dating sucks people!
Screw it all, I'm taking a shower. A long, hot, may never get out of it shower!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
holiday
It's Thanksgiving Day 2007. This is the first holiday I have spent away from my children - and any family - ever. Yesterday as they left I began crying and woke up on the sofa hours later. It must have been a good cry. They are calling frequently and having a good time. It is good they are there with family. When the kids got to my bil's house they called again. Uncle P wants to talk to you, they said. Uncle P used to be one of my very best friends in the world. Lots of physical moves away, four kids and now a divorce later, I just figured I had pretty much lost access to that friend. He got on the phone to say Happy Thanksgiving and to chat. And then he said, "I love you, baby." Cue more crying. I love him, too. I miss my family. Not just my kids, but my moody ex-husband, my crazy relatives and their "interesting friends." Only most of those people aren't my family anymore and that is not how I'm going to be spending my holidays from now on.
When I woke last night I decided to go to the movie store and stop by the market. Despite the brand new battery (and tires) my car received last week, it wouldn't start. I took that as a sign that I was meant to stay home and there being no other choice, that's what I did. I brought my pillow and my comforter to the sofa and began watching the hours of programs I have saved up on Tivo over the last two weeks.
When I woke last night I decided to go to the movie store and stop by the market. Despite the brand new battery (and tires) my car received last week, it wouldn't start. I took that as a sign that I was meant to stay home and there being no other choice, that's what I did. I brought my pillow and my comforter to the sofa and began watching the hours of programs I have saved up on Tivo over the last two weeks.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
i will survive
I'm spending the morning packing up the kids for their Thanksgiving trip. They are excited to see their extended family and to have time with daddy. G and I have had a couple of very good conversations and I feel safe sending them down there. The compromise is that they will be home tucked in their beds Friday night. I know the time is important for all of them and that is a good thing.
Once the car pulls out of the drive, I will put into action my plan not to cry my eyes out for the next three days. I'm going to pick up some candles I've been needing desperately. And why yes, candles are a necessity in life! I'm heading to the movie store to clean them out of chick flicks - I'm crossing my fingers they have the entire first season of Big Love - and then making my way to the market to design my little Thanksgiving for one dinner. That or I hit the Chinese restaurant tomorrow which has not yet been taken out of the running. I have a stack of books, a knitting project I've wanted to start for months, wood for the perfect fire and friends who have offered to entertain me.
The guy I was seeing cancelled his plans to go out of state because he thinks my ending the relationship is indicative of me losing my mind. I suppose it does seem crazy to him that I would walk away from the endless opportunities he's offering to bring to my life and my children's lives. What is that saying? The first marriage is for love, second marriage is for money and third is for companionship? Well, I think I did the first for companionship, I'm being offered the traditional second one, but I'm going to hold out for the love part even if I'm holding out for a long while.
Anyway, I so wish he would go be with his family because I feel good about the break up and being on my own for a while. There is so much I want to accomplish and when I enter into a relationship with someone who has their life that together, I want to go into it as an equal, not as someone to be taken care of. But hey, I'm not entirely immune to the thought. There are days when being taken care sounds very inviting! A new shiny house, the good towels, hand bags and shoes, a car that isn't seven years old, regular spa treatments, the parties, the dinners, the educational opportunities for my kids. Not to mention that there is a definite connection there and we are so compatible. Heck, I'm probably a freaking fool for walking away from this! LOL
Off to check some laundry and hug some kids every time they pass by me. :)
Once the car pulls out of the drive, I will put into action my plan not to cry my eyes out for the next three days. I'm going to pick up some candles I've been needing desperately. And why yes, candles are a necessity in life! I'm heading to the movie store to clean them out of chick flicks - I'm crossing my fingers they have the entire first season of Big Love - and then making my way to the market to design my little Thanksgiving for one dinner. That or I hit the Chinese restaurant tomorrow which has not yet been taken out of the running. I have a stack of books, a knitting project I've wanted to start for months, wood for the perfect fire and friends who have offered to entertain me.
The guy I was seeing cancelled his plans to go out of state because he thinks my ending the relationship is indicative of me losing my mind. I suppose it does seem crazy to him that I would walk away from the endless opportunities he's offering to bring to my life and my children's lives. What is that saying? The first marriage is for love, second marriage is for money and third is for companionship? Well, I think I did the first for companionship, I'm being offered the traditional second one, but I'm going to hold out for the love part even if I'm holding out for a long while.
Anyway, I so wish he would go be with his family because I feel good about the break up and being on my own for a while. There is so much I want to accomplish and when I enter into a relationship with someone who has their life that together, I want to go into it as an equal, not as someone to be taken care of. But hey, I'm not entirely immune to the thought. There are days when being taken care sounds very inviting! A new shiny house, the good towels, hand bags and shoes, a car that isn't seven years old, regular spa treatments, the parties, the dinners, the educational opportunities for my kids. Not to mention that there is a definite connection there and we are so compatible. Heck, I'm probably a freaking fool for walking away from this! LOL
Off to check some laundry and hug some kids every time they pass by me. :)
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
how to save a life
The amount of chaos defining the days of the past couple of weeks has been truly unbelievable. I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone and I'm wondering when in the heck the world will be upright again. I know a part of this uneven energy is coming from within me. I've been so caught up in the day to day that I didn't notice my feet leaving the ground and I feel as if I'm fighting a reverse sort of gravity to get them placed firmly again.
Even worse off than me is G. There was a major incident this past weekend. I know it was major, the world knows it was major and all he seems to know how to do is deny the significance of it at all. I helped him through it the best I could. (Which is what he would do for me - at our core we are still tied up in a strong friendship.) But then I set a boundary and told him he had to leave the house. He'll come back on the weekends he has the kids, mainly because I don't want them subjected to whatever vagabond life he's going to be living, but this is no longer where he lives. I know he is in pain. I know he has to go through that pain in order to come out on the other side, but I can't watch him hurt himself or let the kids see him like that. I know the boundary was the only reasonable solution, but me being guilt ridden me, I feel horrible I had to do it. Lest anyone think I'm a total jerk, he has many places he could go, and oh yeah, he could actually get his own place.
I'm firmly in the corner of disliking the whole dating thing. If anyone on the other side of the fence thinks it's greener over here, I can assure you it is not. I have been seeing someone and he's the perfect sort of guy on paper and he's pretty great in person. I just don't feel as if dating is something I want to be focused on right now. I mean, when I'm alone for the weekend when I don't have my kids, it's nice to have someone to talk to and have dinner with, but even that novelty is wearing off. So today I am leaving the dating arena until I've gotten some more of my house in order. Whether or not he and I would have been anything long term, some lucky girl is gonna have a chance with a great guy. :)
I feel as if I have let so much slide that I should have been giving attention to. I know that's not true. What I've accomplished with the kids in terms of their emotional adjustment to the divorce over the past few months has been crucial. It's also not something you can package up, put on the shelf and point to it when you need to take inventory of your accomplishments. I know I've spent my time well. I'm just ready to make some headway in other areas. The real sort of practical areas that pay bills and establish your identity and make you feel accomplished in some measurable way. I'm also wanting to be out of this house so badly. There is such irony that I told G to leave. I don't even want the house and the rooms that he gutted in July have still not been touched so he should actually be here putting them back together so we can sell this thing, but that's the reality of life, huh?
The kids are supposed to be going with G to spend Thanksgiving with his family two states away this week. I am only obligated to hand them over for Thursday, but I was being generous and said he could take the long holiday. Yet after what happened earlier this week, I am not feeling so comfortable with him taking them out of state for so long. I told him today he can have them for three days and then they need to be back home. All of this sucks. And I hate that I have to worry about the whole safety side of things when it's all I can do to deal with the emotional side of being away from them for the holiday.
Other than that, life is great. :) The kids are doing so well. I am blessed beyond belief to have such amazing children. I want to give them such a great life, they so deserve it.
Even worse off than me is G. There was a major incident this past weekend. I know it was major, the world knows it was major and all he seems to know how to do is deny the significance of it at all. I helped him through it the best I could. (Which is what he would do for me - at our core we are still tied up in a strong friendship.) But then I set a boundary and told him he had to leave the house. He'll come back on the weekends he has the kids, mainly because I don't want them subjected to whatever vagabond life he's going to be living, but this is no longer where he lives. I know he is in pain. I know he has to go through that pain in order to come out on the other side, but I can't watch him hurt himself or let the kids see him like that. I know the boundary was the only reasonable solution, but me being guilt ridden me, I feel horrible I had to do it. Lest anyone think I'm a total jerk, he has many places he could go, and oh yeah, he could actually get his own place.
I'm firmly in the corner of disliking the whole dating thing. If anyone on the other side of the fence thinks it's greener over here, I can assure you it is not. I have been seeing someone and he's the perfect sort of guy on paper and he's pretty great in person. I just don't feel as if dating is something I want to be focused on right now. I mean, when I'm alone for the weekend when I don't have my kids, it's nice to have someone to talk to and have dinner with, but even that novelty is wearing off. So today I am leaving the dating arena until I've gotten some more of my house in order. Whether or not he and I would have been anything long term, some lucky girl is gonna have a chance with a great guy. :)
I feel as if I have let so much slide that I should have been giving attention to. I know that's not true. What I've accomplished with the kids in terms of their emotional adjustment to the divorce over the past few months has been crucial. It's also not something you can package up, put on the shelf and point to it when you need to take inventory of your accomplishments. I know I've spent my time well. I'm just ready to make some headway in other areas. The real sort of practical areas that pay bills and establish your identity and make you feel accomplished in some measurable way. I'm also wanting to be out of this house so badly. There is such irony that I told G to leave. I don't even want the house and the rooms that he gutted in July have still not been touched so he should actually be here putting them back together so we can sell this thing, but that's the reality of life, huh?
The kids are supposed to be going with G to spend Thanksgiving with his family two states away this week. I am only obligated to hand them over for Thursday, but I was being generous and said he could take the long holiday. Yet after what happened earlier this week, I am not feeling so comfortable with him taking them out of state for so long. I told him today he can have them for three days and then they need to be back home. All of this sucks. And I hate that I have to worry about the whole safety side of things when it's all I can do to deal with the emotional side of being away from them for the holiday.
Other than that, life is great. :) The kids are doing so well. I am blessed beyond belief to have such amazing children. I want to give them such a great life, they so deserve it.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
the sun'll come out tomorrow
Actually, it's going to rain. But I like myself a little rain so I don't mind.
Today is my baby's birthday. She is five years old. Wow. My youngest child is five. I don't think I ever saw that as a possible reality. I wonder if I'll ever have another baby. Life is unpredictable in so many ways.
Last night when I was leaving for a meeting she said, "If I fall asleep upstairs will you bring me down to your bed so I can wake up with you when I'm five?" Oh my gosh, break my heart in a million pieces. :)
She's off to a terrific start today. She experienced the first bonus (material guilt) of divorced parents last night when her daddy took her to the store let her choose her own birthday present from him even though she knew she already had a stack to open at home. She's shrewd, that fourth child. She went to school loaded with goodies for her party there.
I always let the kids choose what they want for their birthday dinner, so yesterday at the market she assured me she would only eat cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner and then used logic to stand her ground by repeating, "Birthday kids choose the dinner, you made the rule!" over and over until I just gave up. We're having cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner.
Tonight is technically the kids' night with their dad, but we're having an early family birthday party and she can't physically stop herself from jumping up and down.
Happy, happy birthday my baby love. You are crazy in the best of ways. I love you, darlin'.
Today is my baby's birthday. She is five years old. Wow. My youngest child is five. I don't think I ever saw that as a possible reality. I wonder if I'll ever have another baby. Life is unpredictable in so many ways.
Last night when I was leaving for a meeting she said, "If I fall asleep upstairs will you bring me down to your bed so I can wake up with you when I'm five?" Oh my gosh, break my heart in a million pieces. :)
She's off to a terrific start today. She experienced the first bonus (material guilt) of divorced parents last night when her daddy took her to the store let her choose her own birthday present from him even though she knew she already had a stack to open at home. She's shrewd, that fourth child. She went to school loaded with goodies for her party there.
I always let the kids choose what they want for their birthday dinner, so yesterday at the market she assured me she would only eat cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner and then used logic to stand her ground by repeating, "Birthday kids choose the dinner, you made the rule!" over and over until I just gave up. We're having cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner.
Tonight is technically the kids' night with their dad, but we're having an early family birthday party and she can't physically stop herself from jumping up and down.
Happy, happy birthday my baby love. You are crazy in the best of ways. I love you, darlin'.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
i wanna cry
I can't begin to explain the complexities or depth of my current state of affairs. Oh, I could, I ramble a good game. But I'm so depressed by the circumstances that I don't even feel like it.
Coffee guy: Let's see, one day speak of how he is going to propose to me(not that I asked or WANTED him to mind you!) have amazing fantastic chemistry on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels then he goes absolutely crazy and appears to develope completely different personality. Not kidding, it's actually worse, much worse, than I'm writing.
Republican: Provides lovely conversation and amazing dinner. Is many a woman's dream guy, but absolutely no chemistry. And did I mention that Republican part?
Life in a small town: Freaking sucks. Sucks even more because I never wanted to be here. I don't care how cute it is, it's claustrophobically small and I've done my time. I want out. Yeah, yeah those mountains aren't they pretty? Can I get some shoreline already? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Coffee guy: Let's see, one day speak of how he is going to propose to me(not that I asked or WANTED him to mind you!) have amazing fantastic chemistry on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels then he goes absolutely crazy and appears to develope completely different personality. Not kidding, it's actually worse, much worse, than I'm writing.
Republican: Provides lovely conversation and amazing dinner. Is many a woman's dream guy, but absolutely no chemistry. And did I mention that Republican part?
Life in a small town: Freaking sucks. Sucks even more because I never wanted to be here. I don't care how cute it is, it's claustrophobically small and I've done my time. I want out. Yeah, yeah those mountains aren't they pretty? Can I get some shoreline already? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Friday, November 10, 2006
over my head
Republican: one, Coffee Guy: less than one. Going to dinner tomorrow night and not with who I thought.
Details to follow...
Details to follow...
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