sunday morning

Yeah, yeah, I realize it's Friday, but after my last two days I'm definitely feeling a Sunday vibe. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not - wait, I think I did - but I went out to my car Wednesday night and it wouldn't start. Then I just sort of said, "Screw it," to myself and went back in the house for a couple of days. From there, my Thanksgiving holiday got very exciting!

My original plan for the last couple of days was to clean, clean and clean some more. Organize the heck out of the house and only then indulge myself in reading and knitting and good American tv watching. Here is what I actually did. I sat on my sofa for two days. Literally. I'm not kidding folks, I even slept here. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the indentation of my lovely touche out of the cushion. My sustenance of choice was popcorn and milk - don't ask, I have no answer - and I reached my goal of watching every tivo'd show I've missed for the past month.

Then I called my kids and told them they could stay in CT for an extra day which meant they could go to their cousin's laser tag party. Apparently I'm now mother of the year and yet with them being two states away, I can't receive my thank-you hugs in person.

I thought going to the movies would be a good diversion today, but then there is the darn car thing. I hadn't called AAA before now because I didn't want to interrupt any one's holiday, but now I need to leave my house. I really need to leave my house, people! I called a couple of hours ago, but it's a small town, only one tow truck, blah, blah. And when they do get my car to the garage, it's going to be closed for the entire weekend so I have no hope of driving until Sunday when ex's car is here while he finishes up his weekend with the kids. I think I'm calling the rental car place. Well, assuming the ONE rental car place we have in town is even open and they even have a car.

The thing I most need to do is shower, but I can't do that because I'm waiting on the mysterious AAA arrival. I think I'm going to throw caution to the wind and shower anyway because I'm such a renegade. God, I miss my kids. There is only so much silence and forced alone time one can take.

The guy I broke up with is apparently heartbroken and thinks I'm crazy for leaving him. I'm not so sure now. You just can't be with someone because they are good on paper and heavy on the paper money. I do feel like there is something terribly wrong with my dating genes though because my first two times out were not great positive experiences. Dating sucks people!

Screw it all, I'm taking a shower. A long, hot, may never get out of it shower!

holiday

It's Thanksgiving Day 2007. This is the first holiday I have spent away from my children - and any family - ever. Yesterday as they left I began crying and woke up on the sofa hours later. It must have been a good cry. They are calling frequently and having a good time. It is good they are there with family. When the kids got to my bil's house they called again. Uncle P wants to talk to you, they said. Uncle P used to be one of my very best friends in the world. Lots of physical moves away, four kids and now a divorce later, I just figured I had pretty much lost access to that friend. He got on the phone to say Happy Thanksgiving and to chat. And then he said, "I love you, baby." Cue more crying. I love him, too. I miss my family. Not just my kids, but my moody ex-husband, my crazy relatives and their "interesting friends." Only most of those people aren't my family anymore and that is not how I'm going to be spending my holidays from now on.

When I woke last night I decided to go to the movie store and stop by the market. Despite the brand new battery (and tires) my car received last week, it wouldn't start. I took that as a sign that I was meant to stay home and there being no other choice, that's what I did. I brought my pillow and my comforter to the sofa and began watching the hours of programs I have saved up on Tivo over the last two weeks.

i will survive

I'm spending the morning packing up the kids for their Thanksgiving trip. They are excited to see their extended family and to have time with daddy. G and I have had a couple of very good conversations and I feel safe sending them down there. The compromise is that they will be home tucked in their beds Friday night. I know the time is important for all of them and that is a good thing.

Once the car pulls out of the drive, I will put into action my plan not to cry my eyes out for the next three days. I'm going to pick up some candles I've been needing desperately. And why yes, candles are a necessity in life! I'm heading to the movie store to clean them out of chick flicks - I'm crossing my fingers they have the entire first season of Big Love - and then making my way to the market to design my little Thanksgiving for one dinner. That or I hit the Chinese restaurant tomorrow which has not yet been taken out of the running. I have a stack of books, a knitting project I've wanted to start for months, wood for the perfect fire and friends who have offered to entertain me.

The guy I was seeing cancelled his plans to go out of state because he thinks my ending the relationship is indicative of me losing my mind. I suppose it does seem crazy to him that I would walk away from the endless opportunities he's offering to bring to my life and my children's lives. What is that saying? The first marriage is for love, second marriage is for money and third is for companionship? Well, I think I did the first for companionship, I'm being offered the traditional second one, but I'm going to hold out for the love part even if I'm holding out for a long while.

Anyway, I so wish he would go be with his family because I feel good about the break up and being on my own for a while. There is so much I want to accomplish and when I enter into a relationship with someone who has their life that together, I want to go into it as an equal, not as someone to be taken care of. But hey, I'm not entirely immune to the thought. There are days when being taken care sounds very inviting! A new shiny house, the good towels, hand bags and shoes, a car that isn't seven years old, regular spa treatments, the parties, the dinners, the educational opportunities for my kids. Not to mention that there is a definite connection there and we are so compatible. Heck, I'm probably a freaking fool for walking away from this! LOL

Off to check some laundry and hug some kids every time they pass by me. :)

how to save a life

The amount of chaos defining the days of the past couple of weeks has been truly unbelievable. I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone and I'm wondering when in the heck the world will be upright again. I know a part of this uneven energy is coming from within me. I've been so caught up in the day to day that I didn't notice my feet leaving the ground and I feel as if I'm fighting a reverse sort of gravity to get them placed firmly again.

Even worse off than me is G. There was a major incident this past weekend. I know it was major, the world knows it was major and all he seems to know how to do is deny the significance of it at all. I helped him through it the best I could. (Which is what he would do for me - at our core we are still tied up in a strong friendship.) But then I set a boundary and told him he had to leave the house. He'll come back on the weekends he has the kids, mainly because I don't want them subjected to whatever vagabond life he's going to be living, but this is no longer where he lives. I know he is in pain. I know he has to go through that pain in order to come out on the other side, but I can't watch him hurt himself or let the kids see him like that. I know the boundary was the only reasonable solution, but me being guilt ridden me, I feel horrible I had to do it. Lest anyone think I'm a total jerk, he has many places he could go, and oh yeah, he could actually get his own place.

I'm firmly in the corner of disliking the whole dating thing. If anyone on the other side of the fence thinks it's greener over here, I can assure you it is not. I have been seeing someone and he's the perfect sort of guy on paper and he's pretty great in person. I just don't feel as if dating is something I want to be focused on right now. I mean, when I'm alone for the weekend when I don't have my kids, it's nice to have someone to talk to and have dinner with, but even that novelty is wearing off. So today I am leaving the dating arena until I've gotten some more of my house in order. Whether or not he and I would have been anything long term, some lucky girl is gonna have a chance with a great guy. :)

I feel as if I have let so much slide that I should have been giving attention to. I know that's not true. What I've accomplished with the kids in terms of their emotional adjustment to the divorce over the past few months has been crucial. It's also not something you can package up, put on the shelf and point to it when you need to take inventory of your accomplishments. I know I've spent my time well. I'm just ready to make some headway in other areas. The real sort of practical areas that pay bills and establish your identity and make you feel accomplished in some measurable way. I'm also wanting to be out of this house so badly. There is such irony that I told G to leave. I don't even want the house and the rooms that he gutted in July have still not been touched so he should actually be here putting them back together so we can sell this thing, but that's the reality of life, huh?

The kids are supposed to be going with G to spend Thanksgiving with his family two states away this week. I am only obligated to hand them over for Thursday, but I was being generous and said he could take the long holiday. Yet after what happened earlier this week, I am not feeling so comfortable with him taking them out of state for so long. I told him today he can have them for three days and then they need to be back home. All of this sucks. And I hate that I have to worry about the whole safety side of things when it's all I can do to deal with the emotional side of being away from them for the holiday.

Other than that, life is great. :) The kids are doing so well. I am blessed beyond belief to have such amazing children. I want to give them such a great life, they so deserve it.

the sun'll come out tomorrow

Actually, it's going to rain. But I like myself a little rain so I don't mind.

Today is my baby's birthday. She is five years old. Wow. My youngest child is five. I don't think I ever saw that as a possible reality. I wonder if I'll ever have another baby. Life is unpredictable in so many ways.

Last night when I was leaving for a meeting she said, "If I fall asleep upstairs will you bring me down to your bed so I can wake up with you when I'm five?" Oh my gosh, break my heart in a million pieces. :)

She's off to a terrific start today. She experienced the first bonus (material guilt) of divorced parents last night when her daddy took her to the store let her choose her own birthday present from him even though she knew she already had a stack to open at home. She's shrewd, that fourth child. She went to school loaded with goodies for her party there.

I always let the kids choose what they want for their birthday dinner, so yesterday at the market she assured me she would only eat cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner and then used logic to stand her ground by repeating, "Birthday kids choose the dinner, you made the rule!" over and over until I just gave up. We're having cake and ice cream sundaes for dinner.


Tonight is technically the kids' night with their dad, but we're having an early family birthday party and she can't physically stop herself from jumping up and down.

Happy, happy birthday my baby love. You are crazy in the best of ways. I love you, darlin'.

i wanna cry

I can't begin to explain the complexities or depth of my current state of affairs. Oh, I could, I ramble a good game. But I'm so depressed by the circumstances that I don't even feel like it.

Coffee guy: Let's see, one day speak of how he is going to propose to me(not that I asked or WANTED him to mind you!) have amazing fantastic chemistry on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels then he goes absolutely crazy and appears to develope completely different personality. Not kidding, it's actually worse, much worse, than I'm writing.

Republican: Provides lovely conversation and amazing dinner. Is many a woman's dream guy, but absolutely no chemistry. And did I mention that Republican part?

Life in a small town: Freaking sucks. Sucks even more because I never wanted to be here. I don't care how cute it is, it's claustrophobically small and I've done my time. I want out. Yeah, yeah those mountains aren't they pretty? Can I get some shoreline already? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

over my head

Republican: one, Coffee Guy: less than one. Going to dinner tomorrow night and not with who I thought.

Details to follow...

change

First of all, today is a better day. In reality, the day after my last post was a good day and things have been a-okay since. There just are going to be hard days and life is a different ball of wax now so time to get used to things, right?

Oh the change. And then the changing back. I swear I feel like this week has been one big walk around a circle. It looks like I am going to try to keep the house after all. Why I even bother thinking about this issue is on the one hand obvious (hey, having a roof over our heads is pretty darn paramount!) but on the other hand it all just makes my head hurt. The bottom line that keeps coming up is that it makes more sense for one person (G, my stbxh) to move than it does for the other five of us to move. In addition, staying here keeps some sort of normalcy to the kids' lives at a time when they don't have a ton of that. I know those things make sense, but I'm still not jumping for joy. Keeping the house means I will need to rent out the top floor which is just something else to manage that I don't feel like managing. It also means giving up some privacy and I *really* don't feel like doing that. But when I chose this divorce I knew no part of our lives would go untouched and I am trying to be more understanding of that and go with the flow about it a bit more. Wish me luck!

On the "friends who aren't really friends front," I made progress. I did something so out of my comfort zone, but wow, going out of your comfort zone can be amazing! I was direct and honest and set boundaries. Out loud even to actual people, not just in the fantasy world that revolves in my head. I was feeling so bullied and I found myself sitting in my therapist's office for the second week in a row talking about this crap and being so pissed because I have big, real life issues that I should be using that co-pay on and yet it was all with the "friends" crap again. My lovely therapist - I've mentioned how much I love her, right? - well, she asked why I didn't just say something when people were hurting my feelings. She even suggested it could be as simple as saying, "Wow, that really hurts my feelings."

And I was all like, "Huh?" and she was all like, "I'm serious," and I was all like, "You think?" And so I made a couple of phone calls and cleared some air. Granted, before I made the phone calls I agonized about it for a couple of days. I imagined the entire world splitting in two and life as we know it ending as a result of what I was about to do. And sure, I had to write myself a little note with talking points so I wouldn't forget what I was actually calling about and simply burst into tears when the phone was answered, but I made the calls. The pure shock on the other end of the line was incredible. There was just this empty line of disbelief that I - she who loves to be walked on - would dare to dial the phone and then to go on to speak words of self-preservation. It was short, simple and sweet. I wasn't rude. I wasn't spiteful. I merely defended myself and established boundaries. Sheesh, I'm thirty seven years old and I feel like I finally just did something my second grader does better than I do. Better late than never. The world did not implode, by the way, but you probably realize that. And contrary to my fear, I did not feel laden with horrific guilt afterwards, but instead my heart was lighter and I felt at peace. Whew!

On the dating front, the Republican is out of the game. For public consumption: if you want to freak me out and send me screaming from the online dating site, send me flowers twice in one week, send me 212 emails and tell me you're falling in love with me over and over and over again. Cripes, even a liberal couldn't get away with that and keep me around. I don't know who I was kidding anyway, I am not a person who can date more than one other person at a time. Coffee guy and I are finding our way of doing things little by little. Heck, I don't even know if you can call what we are doing dating. But friends are nice to have and life works on its own timetable.

dark side of the moon

It's a downer today folks so you might want to move right along to someone else's happy blog.

I'm single and I'm sad. There I said it. This isn't the way I usually feel and if I force myself to remember, I know I was sad most of the days I was married. But the truth is single people get sad, too. And in the last week everywhere I turn there is some quite negative statistic regarding single women I swear I never noticed before. We get sick more often, we die sooner, we're more likely to be depressed, we never manage to repartner up at the advanced age that I am. Sheesh, give us a break people!

Perhaps sad isn't the right label since it's more lonely that I feel. It's funny, but as many low points as my marriage had, at least I was sharing them with someone. When we were in a sucky place, we were in it together. And now I'm just in it with me. Except that's not true, I'm in it with four little human beings I have to be "up" for. I am their companion that makes life a happy bubble and provides all the comfort and good feelings. Today I am scared as heck that I won't be able to do that. And today I'm scared because I know their dad (bless his trying heart) is nowhere near being able to do that for them yet since he's a ways behind me on the grieving scale over the divorce. Huh, I guess I've established not only that I am sad, but also lonely and scared. That's not so bad. It could be worse. It really could.

I have a beautiful life. I am blessed. I have a beautiful life. I am blessed...

feels like home

This weekend has been beautiful. The weather has been a bit on the crisp side but the sun is bright and the air is fresh. This was the first weekend since sometime in August we did not have a scheduled activity outside of the house, not counting church. The freedom to relax has been so nice for all of us.

Our days have been full of curling up on sofas with good books, taking naps, building lego and Polly Pocket towns, orchestrating concerts and adapting plays. Just plain playing that every kid needs and my kids don't get often enough. We even have our first fire going and it's just so peaceful. :)

All divorce papers are officially filed, we've begun adhering to the custody agreement and I'm looking for a place to live. I was originally going to stay in the house, but I've decided not to for more than one reason. First, if I stay here, I don't believe G will ever actually move out of the upstairs. I'm all about compromise, but it's been over a year now and I need some space. In addition, this is not the house I want to grow old in or even raise my children in. It's big and rambly and just not me. I need a little cottage with nooks and crannies and if I'm lucky a sweet little porch. I'm not counting on getting that the first time out, but just taking a step toward being somewhere else gets me closer to that reality. G has decided he will keep the house so the kids will at least have the home base they are used to for part of the time.

There's been little bump in my road of perpetual happiness. It seems not all "friends" are "friends" at all and even some of the ones that are, sure know how to resent you when you would expect them to support you. Something I didn't read about in all of my divorce preparation books was advice on what to do when your friends totally diss you. What do you do when rumors abound and you find out one of your supposed closest friends started them? What do you do when suddenly your friends tell you flat out not to be around their husbands? What do you do when your devotion to mothering is questioned because you allowed the children to visit their father per a parenting plan you co-wrote and support? I'm not sure what to do, but I'm working on establishing boundaries and murmuring weak words of, "Um, that hurt my feelings," when I can muster the courage. You know, we women suck at being friends sometimes.

And oh yes dating. Well, add the fact that I'm even entering the dating scene and that's more ammunition for the above paragraph, but whatevah! I've decided two guys is all the more I can keep track of at one time and so that's where I am. Coffee guy is still around and we do a great job of keeping one another guessing, yet we just smile when we're together. The new guy, the Republican, is someone I (ssshhhh) met online through an actual dating service. I feel like I need a shower just saying that out loud. The two of them could not be more different and I can't imagine dating more than one person for very long. But I'm giving it a bit of time and we'll see what happens.

tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow...

Patience is a virtue and good things do come from it. Tomorrow my divorce papers are being filed. And within two to six weeks, it will all be final. F.I.N.A.L. For absolutely freaking real! It's not that I'm thrilled to have a failed marriage behind me. As long as I have these four beautiful children and seventeen years of wisdom to show for it, I refuse to consider it a failure.

But I am so very much looking forward to being free as an individual to embrace this new phase of my life. I'm getting control of my life back, heck I'm getting my name that I loved back. I am woman hear me roar and all that sh*t. I am taking a moment to be free of the guilt and just feel the joy of something I have worked steadfastly toward for three years now.

Life is good.

good is good

I know I've been scarce. I'm sure you all noticed. Admit you noticed people, gosh!

So the update. My children are still amazing and wonderful and you couldn't pry them from my warm loving arms. They are all adjusting to this crazy life and they deserve so much credit for their maturity, their flexibility, their ability to do well in their every day life while functioning amongst commotion and the love they share for one another (though they hide it well at times.) I will never regret the marriage to their father because they are blessings so great I am humbled each and every day.

And their father, oh where to begin? After a bumpy, painful week, we have made such progress in the formation of our new relationship. I do love him and he is well on his way to becoming the man I always knew he could be. I am proud to watch him parent now. I am proud to watch him taking responsibility in his life. And though I need to preface this next part with the very true statement imo that it is NEVER one person who fails to keep two halves of a marriage together, and I accept full responsibility for my personal failings in that marriage, something miraculous happened over the past week. G apologized to me. It wasn't a blanket, "I'm sorry," that was meant to be a cya for the past seventeen years. He took the time to go into detail about very particular and painful things and he apologized separately for each and every one. And I was moved, so moved I cannot explain it. He got it. And it's not going to change the course of marriage, but it changes the frame of it as we move forward. This will shape our friendship and our role as parents for our children. I still tear up thinking about it. He said he was sorry, he knows what he is saying sorry for, and I am touched and forever grateful. Oh and did I mention the papers he had yet to provide so that we could very cordially and jointly file this divorce have now been provided and we are going to be officially filed by October 30th? Then, according to the fine courts of our great state, a full year later, we should be offically d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d in two to six weeks. I don't mean to sound so giddy, it's just such a huge relief after all this time.

Um, what else. Oh yeah, dating. Let's see. I tried match dot not for me for about twenty three official hours. I don't think I can do things that way, at least not now. I did get enough responses to boost my ego, so I suppose it served some purpose. I also went on a couple of dates with coffee guy. We spent several, literally, hours on the phone, several hours of conversation in person, several hours hiking up the side of the mountain that he just bought 19 acres and a cabin on, several hours looking at the sky and the mountains and drinking wine and eating the picnic he brought. Life has it's very nice side. I took the first leap and it was good.

To be continued...

we are family

I am oh so ever happy to report that EHTB and I are making this family thing work. Granted we haven't made it through any holidays or high school graduations or planning of their weddings, but I've just got this feeling in my gut we are headed for continued good family times. You know, sometimes we might not pick the right people to spend the rest of our lives with, but that doesn't mean we didn't pick the right person to have children with.

This weekend we all spent the majority of our time together. There was the elementary school fall fair, our town's little fall celebration and today our annual family apple and pumpkin picking day. Of course the kids were thrilled but the two of us were also happy as well. We do genuinely like and love one another and the new boundaries we have established as a result of the separation and impending divorce have allowed us to begin creating a new co-parenting relationship that is so positive. Yeah, yeah, I know there are gonna be bumps. But I will go to sleep tonight thanking the heavens above my children still have their amazing family.

the real slim shady

I am happy to report the bulk of my divorce guilt has evaporated with the news that EXTB has been dating someone since at least August. (He told me today since I had told him about the coffee guy and he felt less than honest for keeping it from me.)

I'm happy for him, which I see as affirming this split is the right decision. And I'm happy for me because I feel like I've just been set free in a way I just didn't feel before. Awwww...

Really, eventually every single post will NOT be about this d thing.

done, i'm done

You know what I am tired of? Really, truly, endlessly tired of? Other than ending two sentences with prepositions and then following that up with a compound fragment? I am so very tired of this separation and divorce process defining my every living moment. I'm honestly consumed by the whole of it. Everything I do every day is under the umbrella of "the divorce." Every thought I have is filtered through "the divorce." Admittedly, this is a huge life transition, one made even larger because of the four children involved in the process, but for goodness sake, I'm done. I want to breathe and not have it be air full of guilt. I want to wake up and not think, "Oh gosh, what do I have to do to deal with the divorce today?" I want to be able to just plain go to sleep at night and have normal happy thoughts instead of tortured images of how my particular divorce is going to bring down civilization.

I am the first to admit I don't know what the heck I'm doing or what the heck I want out of life most days. But this process of wallowing in the what ifs is not getting me any closer to answering the big questions for myself. For better or worse - what an appropriate way to say it - this divorce needs to be put behind me so I can try to start finding out who I am.

I am just as guilty of not getting those papers filed as he is. If there is information I need from him, then there are ways of getting it if asking politely isn't working. And let's be honest here, if this is still dragging on, there is some part of me that is encouraging or enabling that. So. New deadline for myself. Get whatever needs to be filled out, filled out. Answer whatever questions need to be answered or find someone who can. File whatever needs to be filed. Attend whatever classes that need to be attended. Get through this already so we can all begin to live our life out from under this cloud.

The good news is the one area I've been very proactive with has been helping the kids to adjust. We've talked endlessly and they know I'm available to them. I've bought every book out there for every age group on dealing with divorce. We've read them together and I've left them casually thrown around so they can read them on their own. I have one little in individual therapy and am scheduling some group sessions for the rest of us to attend as a family. Huh, as is the custom with everything in life, I manage to prioritize the mothering part above all else. I suppose I need to imagine the paperwork as my children and I would have it taken care of immediately.

So here's to a real live deadline, or can I call it a real live lifeline. Paperwork people, it just needs to get done. Halloween sounds like a good as time as any to me.

in our italian restaurant

I had coffee this morning. With a friend. The friend was a he and it was sort of pre-date like, but it was really just coffee with a friend. He's a new friend. And darn it, where did all of my male friends go? :::sigh::: I used to have so many male friends, as many as my girlfriends or probably more. I miss just talking to guys. I'm stuck here in small town couple-ville where having guy friends to go hang with just doesn't seem to happen if you're married. Why is that? I totally don't buy that guys and girls can't be friends thing. I do buy that sexual tension thing - yeah, that's always a possibility, but I think it's just another form of energy out there and I don't at all think it makes male/female friendship impossible.

So yeah, I had coffee with a boy. We talked for three hours and I loved the conversation even though I spent the better part of the last hour trying to convince him he has "got" to go find his fiance' of ten years ago and tell her he's still in love with her. And though it wasn't actually a love connection, it was a really great friend connection. Neither of us was really done, but I had a preschool little who needed picking up so I'll have to wait for my next free of child time to make any more "friend" connections. Could it actually be that dating/pre-dating/finding new friends might not be hopelessly painful? Or did I just get lucky?

i've got a friend (or two)

You know, sometimes it all just comes together. You take your littles to CCD and have beautiful spiritual talk that feeds your soul with two older women and you actually feel God sitting at the table with you as if he has nothing better to do. You walk outside and discover He's given you a clear, crisp gorgeous fall day that touches your heart in a way that makes you certain this is what Heaven is like. Your children can't stop talking about how wonderful their classes were and how "awesome" God is. Then you drop your beauties with their Dad feeling good they will enjoy their picnic and the day together and thank the Lord he's a good dad most days, especially these days.

You park yourself and your laptop at the office - hey, they're open on Sunday. And you order a mocha and thank the Lord for making chocolate. You sit down and hear Norah Jones playing in the background. You thank the Lord for making Norah Jones. But the day that couldn't get better does. One of your favorite people in the world - the one you should always be calling, but don't- walks in with her amazing five children and the two of you get an hour to catch up while her gracious children sit quietly and let us. You make plans to keep in touch this time around and you know you're going to. Your soul is filled with joy and beauty and the smiles of possibilities.

What goes down must come up. Life if beautiful, even when it sucks, but especially when it doesn't. Happy Sunday to you all. :)

the cat's in the cradle

I've discovered an ugly truth about myself. I don't always want to be around people and I'm not always nice. To some it might not seem so ugly, just an okay thing to know about oneself. But to me, it's hard to swallow. You see, I imagine myself to be a whole lot nicer than I probably - okay, really - am.

Like just this week I'm riding along in my automobile with my littles. I live in a very small town and yet there are times when something sort of like a traffic issue comes up. For example, more than one car might come up to a three way stop at the exact same time and none of us can recall exactly what the driving test manual we all studied forty years ago says to do in a situation such as this. I personally have always held to the notion that if there is a tie, the one on the right of me goes first. But if there are more than two of us and someone else holds the same notion, I guess that could get confusing. In reality, my strategy for *any* traffic situation is to *always* default to those around me. I am the one letting people go ahead of me. I am the one stopping dead in a nice moving line of traffic to let some sucker who's been waiting three whole minutes to pop in front of me and join the rest of us. And you better believe I will never speed through a crosswalk and leave pedestrians stranded at the edge of those white lines! (Believe it or not though, I have received unkind hand gestures from those behind me for this behavior. ::::sigh::: Civility is a lost art.)

Apparently our actions as parents do get noticed by our children. As I was letting someone ahead of me the other day, all bright and cheerful like because that's how I do it, mouthing the words, "No, no go right ahead," in their direction with a huge smile, my seven year old commented on my actions.

"You are such a nice person, Mama," she said, " You are very polite and always let others go ahead of you. I'm nice like you too, Mama." Then she sat back with a very big *my mom is so polite!* content smile on her face. She noticed and she was proud. I thought this was some break through moment. Look, I had gotten that thing we parents hardly ever get - validation that our children see our fine actions, appreciate our fine actions, and lo and behold aspire to copy them. I tell you, that day, driving down our little street I was elated. I mean heck, if you add that to the comment I once received from my little convenience store clerk that the room just lights up whenever I walk in, I'm just about the best person in the world to be around. And that day driving with my daughter, letting people go ahead of me left and right, I was pretty much the nicest person on the planet and a darn good mother to boot. Life was good. I'm telling you, it was good.

Then came this morning. I wasn't in the general generic public being nice to people I don't even know. I was waking up between two of my own beautiful children. The argument starts like this: Seven year old little who is notorious for having trouble getting up on time but has made real progress says, "Hey mom, I was the first one up!" She's proud to have woken up before noon on her own and has every right to be.

And yet I hear this from the other side of me from the four year old little to whom rising early comes naturally and who has actually been nursing for at least an hour, "No, you were not the first one up, I was." She then returns to nursing but for the next five minutes she pops off every two seconds to mumble, "No, I WAS!" while she and the seven year old argue across my body about this really stupid deal. I crawl out of bed not liking my own people very much and wondering how much time I will actually have to spend with them today. As I'm leaving my own bed, they are yelling louder.

I venture out into the living area and hear screaming from the garage. The voice of ex-husband- to- be is the loudest, but there is obviously someone else involved and that can only mean one of the other littles. I'm already not feeling like being nice to anyone today. I go into the freaking freezing garage and witness a scene that is being made over recylcing and sorting and goodness knows what else. Ten year old female little is crying but defiant and not speaking at all anymore. EHTB is doing a fair amount of hand gesturing and looking angry and defeated at the same time. Ten year old little comes into the house with me but then proceeds straight to her closet and won't come out. Forty five year old EHTB cannot give me a clear explanation.

Strangely, suspiciously strangely, the eleven year old male little is willingly helping with the recycling and garbage. I make a mental note to come back to that later, he's up to something.

Nothing much changes for the rest of the morning. The two tasks of getting my entire garage cleaned of the recycling and garbage that has been building up for the past two months so I can park my gigantic car in there before it snows - because it's NH people and it could snow any minute now! - and getting all four littles to a soccer event seems to drain every ounce of nice out of me. I begin to think I'm not really that nice.

Finally, as I am counting the seconds until the four littles (whom I've had 24/7 for the past week and who have been just this pleasant the whole time while I was being Miss Nice of the Universe despite their behavior) the EHTB announces to the ten year old he wants her to make him coffee. Um, I've already made my coffee and there it sits. It contains no caffeine and is in fact flavored, his coffee has neither quality. And he darn well knows my coffee is in the coffee maker because coffee doesn't exactly make itself without smelling up the whole place. He gets all passive-aggressive-poor me, "I guess I don't need coffee," and walks away.

I get all passive-aggressive-oh by gosh you're having coffee because I'm not listening to how I kept you from having coffee this morning and I pour my coffee into a carafe and teach the ten year old how to make his coffee. Not to be outdone by me, he then makes a comment about how I only made him one cup of coffee - in fact it was four cups and that amount fills two of his travel mugs. Okay, well, then he wants to know if I take cream in my coffee. Um, duh, how many times have you ordered it for me over the years, YES I take cream in my coffee. "Oh," he says, "because I just used the last of it and threw the carton away. What do you want me to do now?"

Huh, I'm confused, what the heck can you do now? I don't care, I'll use milk for goodness sake, why is everyone so pissy this morning? And why are you all still here? Leave, I tell you, the lot of you need to leave! He then asks the ten year old if she is going to his lacrosse game he's playing in later this afternoon. She says no way, it's too cold. So, EXTB announces he will be just taking eleven year old male little to his game because he's not taking the younger two also known as "those who like to argue and occasionally punch and kick" with him. This announcement of his is met with one from me along these lines, "Um, well, you most certainly would be taking them with you if this was officially 'your weekend' with them or you would be getting a sitter. That's how things are going to work when we actually begin using this custody aggreement of ours, you know. I will not be available 24/7 like I have traditionally been if you don't feel like dealing with them." I made him very happy with this nice, polite announcement of mine. See, I'm all nice like that.

From here we see two things. One, I may be nice as pie to perfect strangers I don't know, go me! But two, I can be not so nice at all to those I know best, boo me.

I suppose the morale of the story is to make sure you never get to know me well.

Gosh, I hope the seven year old was not watching this morning...

EDIT: The problem the ten year old was having in the garage with the recycling and her father? The bins are lined up against the back wall so to make her chore of recycling sorting rather easy. When EHTB brings them back from the recycling center he leaves them all packed together and she can't get them apart so she didn't have the recycling properly sorted. The two of them could not communicate that from one to the other. She is out of her closet now.

The suspicious behavior of the eleven year old? He wanted to go hang out with his friend this afternoon and that is what he did instead of going to his dad's lacrosse game. In fact, all the kids stayed here. With me, their very nice mother who loves the crap out of them. :)

And the two littles? Along with punching and kicking, one of them can now add hitting her sister over the head with a ski pole and drawing blood to their resume.

it ain't easy being green

There are a million and one downsides that come with the prospect of being a single parent to four children. Lately the one that is getting me the most is the shear amount of work it is to be everything to four other real live human beings that have actual social lives. I mean, this is nothing like taking care of four hamsters. (Not that I do that because it would be way too much work for me!)

My littles consist of a pre-k, second, fifth and sixth grader. A window into this week shows that we have four pint sized doctor appointments, four dance classes, five soccer games, two cross country meets, two cross country practices, one lunch date, two play dates, one birthday party, one family party and I have a couple of meetings for moi. And did I forget to mention bedtime routines, squabble control, homework, lunches, snacks and the shear amount of paperwork these little people generate?? (I'm not even going to discuss laundry and cleaning because it makes my head hurt until it explodes and every time that happens I have to buy a new laptop and four children also go through money like water so I can't afford a new laptop.) All this and we don't even have school on Friday. This is not an unusual week, it's just how it is around here.

I know everyone and their brother are going to say it's just a matter of simplifying our schedule and cutting a whole lotta stuff out. But it's really not that *simple.* Each child really only has one or two regular things they actually do outside of school, but multiply that by four and we're quickly in deep. And I guess I'm just a permissive as heck parent, but I want my kids to feel like they have an enriching life outside of home, I think they deserve that. They reap all sorts of positive benefits physically and socially from their activities and I happen to think that's important. So I'm in in for the long haul and I'm not even complaining. Not really.

But, but, but...sometimes I'm tired as heck from all this schlepping around. And more than that, I'm thinking to myself that this is not how life is meant to be. Kids are meant to have two parents to do the schlepping. Admittedly, even when I was in a full fledged married arrangement, I was still the keeper of all things children. The littles' dad has a long commute to work and travels and they just didn't ever see much of him during the week. But somewhere in my mind I knew I had back-up. Now I just feel like things are often backed-up all over me. I know I feel overwhelmed by this for me. I know I feel sad about this for my kids. I know I feel an overall injustice in it all. And though I try not to, in a self-absorbed way I feel like it is way different to parent one or two kids in a single parent world than it is to single parent a larger family, but I could just be feeling sorry for myself. In the end it doesn't matter. I've got to find a way to work with what I have because I wouldn't take even one less of these amazing (and busy) kids. And oh yeah, I suppose I could accept some help every little once in a while, but the thought of it is so painful for me I'll certainly have to work my way up to it.

hey, teachers, leave my kids alone

Before I get into my post, I have to say this. I'm at my office right now. (You know, the coffee shop) And by the way, I have not made it back here before now since my first announcement that it was my new office. It appears that volunteering at two different schools, running essential errands and giving the occasional helping hand to a friend really eats up those twelve hours a week I have to be here. Man, life is hard. But that's not the point. The point is I made a tiny comment on my blog last week or so about the coffee here being not quite warm enough. I have been getting coffee here for years so I didn't say it lightly. Darn it all if I didn't come in this morning and receive a cup of coffee so hot I cannot even drink it yet, not even with the cold cream added. It's spooky, I say. But I'll take hot coffee any way it comes to me.

Yesterday I got a phone call from the male little's team teacher. Of course the only reason she should be calling me is to tell me what a genius sixth grader he is, but from her tone and her actual words, it appears that is not exactly what this call is about. And apparently his genius will also not be the primary focus of the return phone call she is requesting this morning or the conference with me and his other team teacher next week.

I'm sorry, but I don't get phone calls like this. Did I fail to mention my littles are exceedingly brilliant and have the manners of Emily Post? Well, in my fantasy world they are and they do and I don't know what this teacher is trying to pull, but she's messing with my fantasy world. Who messes with the fantasy world of a middle aged woman going through both a divorce and and annulment. The only conclusion I can come to is that this must be a very rude teacher to do such a thing. And though I really don't want to be the one to have to, I will tell her. For her own good and all.

:::sigh::: Just one more thing to heap on the pile of mother guilt. I am convinced this phone call would never had occurred if I was not getting a divorce. I'm certain those cherubs of mine would have retained their perfection if I hadn't insisted on messing with them. So this begs the question, how much do I really love my kids?

When I became pregnant for the first time while in the process of getting divorced mere months after my marriage, I was shocked. Not shocked at the pregnancy, but with the father. For you see, by then I had found THE love of my life and was planning on living out my happily ever after scenario with him. There was a rather large lapse of proper communication with Mr. Love of My Life that led to a much too long date with Mr. Tequila. Still experiencing the rather large lapse of communication and cell phones not being the staple they are now back in the day, the very hung over me drove north 800 miles to be consoled by my impending-ex-husband. Consoled or something, I don't know what the hell I was doing there. I was young and stupid. By the time Mr. Love of My Life had called to track me down the next day I was pregnant.

At that point I decided I loved my child more than myself, more than life itself and nothing would ever change that hierarchy. I said a gut-wrenching, movie worthy goodbye to Mr. Love of My Life and did not divorce my husband. Instead I made a vow to devote my life to my baby and my subsequent children. Every ounce of my life would be about nurturing them, meeting their every need, making sure they knew I loved them more than anything in this world. I slept easy every night (not really, as I nursed through the night for nine years straight) but I was happy to be sleep deprived because I loved them more than sleep. I was not separated from my babies for years because I was sure no one could love them like me. I dutifully homeschooled them, kept them from sitters, read them every book on the shelves over and over, nursed them indefinitely. I swore they would never question my love or their place in my life. The very top of my list, that is where my children have always been.

And now, where are they now? If I think of me first, what does that say about how much I love them? If I get divorced and tear every shred of their idea of what home and safety and family means, what does that say about how much I love them? As I send my precious first born, who I gave every single love advantage to, away to therapy because he is so distraught and filled with anxiety over this divorce, what does that say about how much I love him? If I am getting phone calls for teacher conferences because his behavior indicates he no longer feels secure and loved completely, what does that say about the kind of mother I am versus the kind of mother I promised him I would be? Am I really not capable of loving my children more than myself? Could I only keep up the premise for a mere eleven years and then my true selfish nature came to surface? I swear I still feel just as in love with every single one of them as I ever have. How could I still feel so overflowing with love for them, how could I still feel so fiercely protective of their childhoods and their hearts and do something that is so blatantly going to change their lives forever in a way that no amount of therapy will smooth over?

What kind of mother am I? What kind of person? I've cried more than I care to admit this week. I've slept less than is healthy for me thinking about this thing called love and this title called mother.

a good day

Wednesday is my morning off. The two older littles get themselves up and on the bus. Well, the oldest female little does and then she helps her brother, the actual oldest little, fall out of bed and somehow crawl to the bus. The middle female little decided she wants to ride the bus in the mornings so I get her on her way and then I sit down with the preschool little who doesn't have school on Wednesday. I don't even have to leave the house Wednesday mornings unless...

The middle girl little, while lounging in bed and getting her morning back scratch announced she didn't feel like going to school today. "Sure, stay home," I said, "who needs school?" Besides, we have so many activities after school and on the weekends right now, I feel like we're all a little beat and could use more breaks than we get. And anyway, she caught me on a good day.

So middle girl little had a leisurely breakfast, snuck in some PBS with her little sister and then began to look at me. She began to make me uncomfortable with that intense gaze that seemed to say, "More now?" More what I'm not sure, but I knew I didn't have it to give to her. This was as good as it gets on a Wednesday morning. Although there will be laundry later, maybe that's what she was waiting for.

A few minutes later she came in dressed, teeth and hair brushed with backpack in tow. "I want to go to school now," she announced. Not a problem. So we loaded up and drove her to school getting there only a few minutes late. I signed her in and explained her miraculous recovery to the school secretary, because of course being the good citizen I am, I had already called and announced her absence . She ran into her music room and her classmates cheered out her name. Aw, it does a former homeschooling mama's heart good to see her little enjoying school so much and seeing her classmates love her.

Now the preschool little and I are back home. She just asked me if we could just snuggle on the sofa all morning. I guess that's where you'll find me for a few more minutes. After all, she caught me on a good day.

sometimes you get what you need

Yesterday was a good day. I spent the day moving into my new apartment. And my address is still the same. :P The soon to be ex-husband and I have been going round and round in our heads trying to figure out what to do with "the house." Trust me, with the drama we have experienced over this issue, the quotations are warranted. For various reasons which I will be magnanimous and quiet about now, our house was not put on the market and sold this summer as we (I) had planned. That's a bit of a bummer or maybe a blessing in disguise, but now it's the reality we need to live in - literally. Putting it on the market right now is really a non-option. The winter in northern New England is no time to sell a house, especially a big one like ours. Dh swears he can not afford to move out and I can't cover the mortgage alone, so we're kind of stuck. I struggled with coming to this conclusion because I wanted to sever as many physical ties with the husband as I could and I wanted immediate independence. But hey, life is all about learning to live in the real world, right?

So we had this crazy idea. Let's just share the house for a while. The deal is the bottom floor of our house consists of three bedrooms with two full baths, a small eat in kitchen and a large area that splits up into a living room and family room (or dining room, but I really don't get dining rooms and to me it just means one more place out of the kitchen my young ones can drag food and feel justified.) Upstairs are three more bedrooms, another full bath and this weird little extra room. So we've decided to split the house into two living areas. The kids and I will take the bottom floor and he is going to take the top floor.

He'll create his bedroom, a family room with two trundle beds and an extra bedroom. He's going to take the weird little room and create a kitchenette. He doesn't need much in that department since he doesn't eat all that much at home because he's really not here much and when he does eat in, the kitchenette he's putting in will be plenty for him. And then he has a full bath up there. We're blocking off the front foyer with locking (from my side) French doors and he'll use the front door which leads right to the stairway going to his level. He also has a locking door at the top of the stairway for his privacy. I'll have the mudroom/sunroom entrance to use for my section. Money wise we are splitting the utilities and I'm going to pay him rent from the child support once we finalize the money that far.

So crazy huh? I have no idea how this is going to play out, but it's an interesting social experiment if nothing else. When he has the kids for his visitation, they will actually stay in his area for the weekend and not only will I have actual private time in my own living area, I won't have to come home to the consequences of him having let the kids run wild and destroy the house when I'm not here. Ha, ha, ha, ha...oh, I'm sorry, I just can't quit laughing at myself and my naive notions. Where was I? Oh yeah, when Spring arrives here in the northern tundra, we'll evaluate where we are and where the housing market is. The best possible scenario I can imagine right now is that the market will have held up or gone back up and we will sell the house for a small profit, split the proceeds and go our merry separate ways. I also hope to be gainfully employed in some way and have a bit of money that feels like my own and perhaps that will impact my choice of living a bit more.

Even though the split cannot take immediate place because those two full baths of mine that he gutted in July are still not put back together and all six of us are using one bath upstairs right now - gosh, where did I leave my mantra about being magnanimous again?? But I have faith, yes that's it, I have faith those bathrooms will be completed soon and we can put the new plan into action. I've already begun claiming the floor as my own, though. I've been moving furniture and I'm going to paint and just do things my way with no questions of or explanations to anyone else.

I don't know if I will ever want to be married again. I'm craving freedom like a starving person.

don't rock the boat, baby

Here's the deal. When the world is going your way, for goodness' sake, just let it keep going. The newly very communicative and understanding husband was impressing me with his ability to handle the new phase our lives were taking. So, when I got that call from my church telling me that I have to apply for and be granted an annulment before I can join the church, I thought nothing of sharing that news with the newly communicative and understanding husband.

Lest you think I'm a total idiot, I honestly did not think this would be a big deal for the husband. He was raised in the church the kids and I are joining and he does not respect their teachings nor does he even believe them to be a valid Christian entity. Fair enough I say, he has his right to freedom of thoughts on theology. This is why I was rather surprised at his reaction when he was "shocked and saddened" by my announcement. "Why," I wondered aloud, "does this even matter to you? It's a piece of paper you don't believe in from a church you don't recognize as legitimate?"

This is where we veered off into a discussion about the Kennedy's. Even though in our minds it seemed perfectly logical at the time, I realize it may not be a logical leap to anyone who does not live near the Boston area where nearly every point of life can be referenced back to the Kennedy's in some way. He said he knew how Joseph's wife must have felt when she was told her marriage had never even existed. And were our children illegitimate now? I then realized I had made a tactical mistake. As usual, I realized too late.

We had to be somewhat together for the morning because it's soccer season in town. Every Saturday morning there becomes what is an informal town meeting behind the local elementery school as everyone with children between the ages of 4 and 12 congregate with coffee in hand at the soccer fields to watch our young super stars and share in the latest gossip. I'm sure I am a big part of the latest gossip, but marriages are dropping like flies around here, so I think my fifteen minutes of fame is about up.

I then went to the gym and was just about to step off of the treadmill when I realized there was an episode of Project Runway I hadn't seen. Let me be clear that my attraction to this show was forced upon me when my daughter insisted it be added to her tivo list. Then I started half-way paying attention to the thing while she was in my room watching. Well, my relationship with the show became more serious than I would like as I stayed on the treadmill for an extra forty five minutes to watch the entire show. Making it all the more painful was the fact that since this was live tv and not tivo, I had to sit (tread) through commercials. I've reached a new low.

When I got home in the afternoon the husband apologized for his reaction to my annulment declaration and was once again very understanding and supportive. It was so sweet and yet unnerving at the same time. He really is a decent guy. I've just spent so many years in this pattern of control and submission with him that I can no longer tell if he is just switching tactics.

Last night I went to dinner with my new book group. AKA: a group of women who desperately want a reason to leave our homes without our lovely children clinging to our pant legs on occasion. There was no book, though we did discuss having one next time, but there was more gossip and laughing and some new friendships sparked. It was a great night. People are good.

I then came home and possibly made a grave mistake.

the microphone smells like a beer

I'm sitting in my new office. Four days a week for three hours you can find me right here while the littlest little is in preschool down the road. Okay, so my office is a coffee shop called The Bagel Mill, but they have wireless internet access, my favorite coffee - decaf hazelnut with just a little cream because I kicked my sugar habit- and great ambiance. The only downside is they can't seem to keep their coffee hot enough, but I would never actually tell them because I think I'm too polite for that. They do have the closest to NY bagels you can get in this town, nevermind their competition is Dunkin Donuts. My favorite bagel is salt with plain tomato, nothing else, in case you ever wondered. But I don't eat the bagels because I can't eat food in the mornings and I'm not feeling all that into food at all these days. So like I was saying, I'm sitting in my new office being a writer, because that's what I am. Okay, so right now judging from my work this past morning I'm apparently a writer of emails and im's and I've spent too much time putting together a new blog, but my future plans are really bigger than that. You know, like win a Pulitzer or make money or something.

Big news in our town today. We've traditionally had two local newspapers that come out once a week. The one owned by a corporation bought out the local family paper. I feel so sad. The local family paper is actually the one that offered me a super job with very little pay (the one I couldn't take because of those four sweet children who actually need to see a parent every once in a while) but I fell in love with the paper as the publisher spun the tale of the early beginning to now. He really loved that paper. ::::sigh::::: I hope they gave him a good price and he makes a dream he's perhaps had in the back of his head all these years come true with it.

It just makes me sad to see the little guys get bought up by what I've convinced myself is a cold conglomerate. And I'm always disappointed to see the world of journalism consolidated under one entity's hand because I'm a big believer in conspiracy theories where the right-wing takes over every media outlet and renders us all brain dead. I'm sure half the town will be out picketing about it later.

Oh, the sheriff also found $10,000 worth of pot growing in a cow pasture, but I'm sure it was just growing wild and there's actually no criminal intent behind it. Like I care, I think pot should be legal anyway. I think alcohol and cigarettes are more dangerous.

So that's my update from Maybury today. I need to get back to work. My work as a real writer and all.

a long day's night

So my very first post is one in which I commend my soon to be ex husband on his sensibility and willingness to think of his family as we negotiate, mostly without lawyers, our child support settlement. Although the divorce has been looming for nearly a year now, I only recently decided it wasn't going to do itself and saw an attorney to make sure the papers I have are the correct ones and indeed we are on our way to filling them out in a way that will render us amicably divorced. The phrase child support had been bantered around a bit, but it wasn't until my visit with the attorney we began to actively look at spreadsheets and budgets and the cherub faces of our children who would like to continue eating that we entered the land mind filled area of support negotiation in divorce.

I am pleased and proud to report we have reached an agreement. An agreement I feel is generous on my soon to be ex-husband's part, though I'm sure my attorney would like to see even more generosity. But hey, I live in the real middle class world. Neither of us are walking away millionaires here. In fact, both of our standards of living will decrease, and with that our children's as well. What we are trying to protect right now is not the lives of me or their father, but the childhood's of our children. Not only their emotional, spiritual and physical lives, but their economic lives as well. God help us do this right. He's certainly given me hope with this start.