how to save a life

The amount of chaos defining the days of the past couple of weeks has been truly unbelievable. I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone and I'm wondering when in the heck the world will be upright again. I know a part of this uneven energy is coming from within me. I've been so caught up in the day to day that I didn't notice my feet leaving the ground and I feel as if I'm fighting a reverse sort of gravity to get them placed firmly again.

Even worse off than me is G. There was a major incident this past weekend. I know it was major, the world knows it was major and all he seems to know how to do is deny the significance of it at all. I helped him through it the best I could. (Which is what he would do for me - at our core we are still tied up in a strong friendship.) But then I set a boundary and told him he had to leave the house. He'll come back on the weekends he has the kids, mainly because I don't want them subjected to whatever vagabond life he's going to be living, but this is no longer where he lives. I know he is in pain. I know he has to go through that pain in order to come out on the other side, but I can't watch him hurt himself or let the kids see him like that. I know the boundary was the only reasonable solution, but me being guilt ridden me, I feel horrible I had to do it. Lest anyone think I'm a total jerk, he has many places he could go, and oh yeah, he could actually get his own place.

I'm firmly in the corner of disliking the whole dating thing. If anyone on the other side of the fence thinks it's greener over here, I can assure you it is not. I have been seeing someone and he's the perfect sort of guy on paper and he's pretty great in person. I just don't feel as if dating is something I want to be focused on right now. I mean, when I'm alone for the weekend when I don't have my kids, it's nice to have someone to talk to and have dinner with, but even that novelty is wearing off. So today I am leaving the dating arena until I've gotten some more of my house in order. Whether or not he and I would have been anything long term, some lucky girl is gonna have a chance with a great guy. :)

I feel as if I have let so much slide that I should have been giving attention to. I know that's not true. What I've accomplished with the kids in terms of their emotional adjustment to the divorce over the past few months has been crucial. It's also not something you can package up, put on the shelf and point to it when you need to take inventory of your accomplishments. I know I've spent my time well. I'm just ready to make some headway in other areas. The real sort of practical areas that pay bills and establish your identity and make you feel accomplished in some measurable way. I'm also wanting to be out of this house so badly. There is such irony that I told G to leave. I don't even want the house and the rooms that he gutted in July have still not been touched so he should actually be here putting them back together so we can sell this thing, but that's the reality of life, huh?

The kids are supposed to be going with G to spend Thanksgiving with his family two states away this week. I am only obligated to hand them over for Thursday, but I was being generous and said he could take the long holiday. Yet after what happened earlier this week, I am not feeling so comfortable with him taking them out of state for so long. I told him today he can have them for three days and then they need to be back home. All of this sucks. And I hate that I have to worry about the whole safety side of things when it's all I can do to deal with the emotional side of being away from them for the holiday.

Other than that, life is great. :) The kids are doing so well. I am blessed beyond belief to have such amazing children. I want to give them such a great life, they so deserve it.