change

First of all, today is a better day. In reality, the day after my last post was a good day and things have been a-okay since. There just are going to be hard days and life is a different ball of wax now so time to get used to things, right?

Oh the change. And then the changing back. I swear I feel like this week has been one big walk around a circle. It looks like I am going to try to keep the house after all. Why I even bother thinking about this issue is on the one hand obvious (hey, having a roof over our heads is pretty darn paramount!) but on the other hand it all just makes my head hurt. The bottom line that keeps coming up is that it makes more sense for one person (G, my stbxh) to move than it does for the other five of us to move. In addition, staying here keeps some sort of normalcy to the kids' lives at a time when they don't have a ton of that. I know those things make sense, but I'm still not jumping for joy. Keeping the house means I will need to rent out the top floor which is just something else to manage that I don't feel like managing. It also means giving up some privacy and I *really* don't feel like doing that. But when I chose this divorce I knew no part of our lives would go untouched and I am trying to be more understanding of that and go with the flow about it a bit more. Wish me luck!

On the "friends who aren't really friends front," I made progress. I did something so out of my comfort zone, but wow, going out of your comfort zone can be amazing! I was direct and honest and set boundaries. Out loud even to actual people, not just in the fantasy world that revolves in my head. I was feeling so bullied and I found myself sitting in my therapist's office for the second week in a row talking about this crap and being so pissed because I have big, real life issues that I should be using that co-pay on and yet it was all with the "friends" crap again. My lovely therapist - I've mentioned how much I love her, right? - well, she asked why I didn't just say something when people were hurting my feelings. She even suggested it could be as simple as saying, "Wow, that really hurts my feelings."

And I was all like, "Huh?" and she was all like, "I'm serious," and I was all like, "You think?" And so I made a couple of phone calls and cleared some air. Granted, before I made the phone calls I agonized about it for a couple of days. I imagined the entire world splitting in two and life as we know it ending as a result of what I was about to do. And sure, I had to write myself a little note with talking points so I wouldn't forget what I was actually calling about and simply burst into tears when the phone was answered, but I made the calls. The pure shock on the other end of the line was incredible. There was just this empty line of disbelief that I - she who loves to be walked on - would dare to dial the phone and then to go on to speak words of self-preservation. It was short, simple and sweet. I wasn't rude. I wasn't spiteful. I merely defended myself and established boundaries. Sheesh, I'm thirty seven years old and I feel like I finally just did something my second grader does better than I do. Better late than never. The world did not implode, by the way, but you probably realize that. And contrary to my fear, I did not feel laden with horrific guilt afterwards, but instead my heart was lighter and I felt at peace. Whew!

On the dating front, the Republican is out of the game. For public consumption: if you want to freak me out and send me screaming from the online dating site, send me flowers twice in one week, send me 212 emails and tell me you're falling in love with me over and over and over again. Cripes, even a liberal couldn't get away with that and keep me around. I don't know who I was kidding anyway, I am not a person who can date more than one other person at a time. Coffee guy and I are finding our way of doing things little by little. Heck, I don't even know if you can call what we are doing dating. But friends are nice to have and life works on its own timetable.